she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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