i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
