you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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