like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I love you. Go after that dick
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
