Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
