i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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