i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
