I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
