you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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