I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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