no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
