I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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