just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
