I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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