Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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