They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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