Im at strip club and am horny
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
