My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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