i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
