I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
