I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
