Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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