He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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