I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
