so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
