Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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