my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
