yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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