You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Are we still banned from the library?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
