At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
