I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
