This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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