You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
