my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
