My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
