my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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