theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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