i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize