I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
