i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
