I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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