I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
