i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
