You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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