Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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