So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize