I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She even gives head with a lisp.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
