She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
