Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
