1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
