Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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