Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
