i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
