Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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