shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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