So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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